I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize