There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
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