Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
