I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You left your phone here
Wait...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
