Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
