Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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