Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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