Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I could fuck to npr.
Randomize
