When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
