I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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