so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I AM VODKA MAN
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
