whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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