if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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