dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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