bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
