just come out here and I will go home with you...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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