well I can't set my house on fire every night
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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