Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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