tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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