I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
