Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
