If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
