He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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