You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
