Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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