How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
