my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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