While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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