My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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