I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
