i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
