this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
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