Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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