My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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