i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
