Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
