you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
