I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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