Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
