really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just want nice things and good sex
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
