i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
