Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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