I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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