Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
