the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
