Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
