I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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