If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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