My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
