you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
im holly from the hills drunk
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
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I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
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Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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