Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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