i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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