Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
