I hope mine doesn't look like that
P.S. I can't hear my feet
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
