you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
